Sharing my backdated thoughts

After some thought. I decided to publish these thoughts which I've been journalling over the past few weeks. These are still precious thoughts which I don't want to simply throw away. And by sharing it, maybe it will help someone else out there who might have gone through or is going through a similar situation.

6th July

Been suspecting for a couple of weeks since I missed my period. Hubby was inclined to just sit back "moi kan cheong" and take it slowly. But I've been getting more and more restless each day. So I finally decided to do a home pregnancy test. So this morning when I woke up, I sneaked quietly out of bed to the toilet, test kit in hand, collected my pee and dipped the test strip in my pee according to the attached intructions. I waited breathlessly as the waves of pink colour washed across the strip... one strip... and and and... is that a second strip I see??? I waited another minute just to make sure the second strip didn't disappear. But there it was, plain and pink! I could hardly believe it! I calmly snuggled back into bed next to hubby and whispered the news. Hubby opened his eyes sleepily and muttered "Really??? That's great... congratulations honey..." and fell back to sleep. I laid there a few more minutes and got out of bed. It was difficult to know what to feel. I had split second feelings of joy, and then overwhelmed by the tremendous life change this meant. And over everything, just a general surrealness. Later as I was putting on my make-up in the bathroom, hubby walked in and said "Hon, was I dreaming just now and you said...", I just smiled and pointed to the test strip. "It's real".

First people to tell. Parents.

P.S. I called my parents who were at the airport just departing Sydney. Actually I didn't even really tell anything. All I said was "I have some good news to share..." and then dad jumped in excitedly "Aaaahhh... I know what it is!"

Such a happy day.

7th July

Still feels very surreal.

So decided to take ANOTHER home pregnancy test this evening. Hubby said no need lar, should be confirmed. But I just wanted to make sure and lay my mind to rest that this is REAL!

It's real.

8th July

Been surfing through the internet for pregnancy and motherhood articles. I had browsed through some books at the library recently, they have a HUGE section but didn't find anything that appealed to me... not even the PREGNANCY FOR DUMMIES... searching for info on the web has been to much of a habit already so why stop now?

9th July

Some examples of initial reactions from people we've told:

Dad: Aaaaahhh.... I know already!!!

Sam: The kid can call me MISTER LEE

Mum: Dad has been talking non-stop about being a grandad this whole time

Paul: So no more alchohol for you, eh??? Well we can't have the kid turning into a drunken fool anyway!

Close friend: Actually... I'm pregnant too! [Konon like trying to steal my thunder! ^ ^]

10th July

Started noting down some baby names today. What do you think of Brendan? Or maybe Audrey?

20th July

Not been feeling 'pregnant' this past few weeks. Except maybe a bit hungrier... and maybe a little sleepier. But sometimes I wonder whether those feelings are purely psychological. Either way, I've been having small HEALTHY snacks throughout the day... nuts, raisins, yoghurt, crackers, a piece of fruit. Yes, now must try to follow the 2 fruit 5 vegie mantra! As for the sleepy part, I've been going to bed quite early lately. By 9pm my head starts to nod, and by 9.30pm I've already crashed into bed. Hard to say whether it's because of the pregnancy... or the cold weather... or eating more...???

21st July

Thoughts to baby: Baby... wonder if you're there? So far I don't feel you yet, but I think of you every day. I know you're doing all you can to grow and become strong. I'm doing what I can to eat good food for you, ok? Eat well and grow well, baby!

27th July

News is leaking out fast. Now besides the two people in church who know. This has now increased to six more people. One of which is actually expecting too! Interestingly all three of us due about the same time next year.

28th July

Sent out this message in Facebook last night to my Rose Girls:
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Hey girls... I received this from Wini some time back...

Winifred Heron
June 16 at 4:16pm
hey i was asking irwin if any babies were coming from his side..he said 'pressure is on..but no yet. may be next year. Please don't tell me serene is pregnant, pressure will really be on then' haha...thought nice to share...funny :)

Yup. VERY funny, Wini! ^ ^

Anyway, do me a favour. The next time you see our dear Irwin, please help me to pass on this message: "Irwin. In that case, pressure is really on now... for real."

*wink*
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Now let's sit back and wait for the bomb to take effect. Should be fun. Hehehehe.

4th August

Emotional draining day. Went for my first ultrasound today. Which was supposedly the routine 1st trimester scan as based on my past period date calculations, I am supposedly now 11-12 weeks pregnant.

At the radiology center, after some initial concerns about my tilted pelvis etc. we finally managed to get an image of the pregnancy sac. And after much scrunity, the radiologist finally managed to locate a tiny little something pulsating on the screen. It measured only 3mm... about the size of a rice grain, with a very tiny heartbeat. An amazing sight... which was however tempered with some worrying facts brought up by the radiologist... mainly the heartbeat of 90bpm instead of the usual range of around 120bpm. She also pointed out that the size looked like it was more 5-6 weeks rather than the 11-12 weeks we thought, which she suspected could be some miscalculations due to my irregular period. The only thing she could recommend is that my doctor reviewed the results and schedule another scan in another 1-2 weeks.

For the rest of the afternoon, I basically steeled myself to stave off any sign of emotion to maintain my composure at the office. Later on the way home on the bus, as much as I tried, I couldn't help a few tears trickling down. Even though my head told me that there was nothing conclusive yet, but waves of emotion came over as I thought about that teeny tiny dot inside me striving to live and continue growing.

I had also done some quick google searches just now about slow heartbeats in early pregnancy, and the results said that even though sometimes the heartbeat will eventually normalise, it is sometimes an indication of a risk of possible miscarriage. That was a sad thought. As morbid as it sounds, my mind couldn't help thinking of a couple of other mothers-to-be in church, and how their babies would be due about the same time as mine... what if next year I would be forced to deal with thoughts such as "mine would be the same age as them, if only...". I know, so morbid and sad, right?

God please let everything be alright.

8th August

Went to see GP yesterday to review the ultrasound results. A lot of questions but she had no answers and advise us to see a specialist. She wrote me a referral letter and gave me some contacts.

Later at home that day, I noticed some light bleeding while I was in the toilet. I was of course alarmed and called the medical helpline. The nurse there told me to go to the hospital straightaway. Also called my aunty who is a nurse and she urged me to do the same.

At the hospital they took down our details and asked us to wait. So we waited. But an hour later the nurse advised us that it would be a long wait because of the overflow in the emergency wards. She advised me to go home and rest and book in an appointment first thing the next morning. All this waiting and uncertainty was getting draining. But I tried my best not to fixate on the worst yet because we really don't know anything at this stage. I tried to cheer myself up by recounting to hubby a funny conversation with my brothers about the pregnancy... they were teasing about having a smeagol for a nephew/niece (apparently foetuses look like smeagols).

This morning we were back at the hospital at 8.00am. After an hour's wait, a doctor finally saw us. He asked me all the usual questions about my condition and history. And then did an ultrasound. We waited breathlessly as he probed around and examined the computer screen.

"Well, we can see a gestational sac... but I am unable to detect a heartbeat. I'm afraid that you have miscarried..."

My heart dropped and tears welled up in my eyes upon hearing those words.

And now, numerous phonecalls and messages later. I'm finally alone to deal with this news. To accept this. To grieve.

I'm thinking now of a book I came across years ago titled Jesse: Found in Heaven by Chris Pringle. She wrote about how she came across a video of a preacher who talked about a vision he had in the 1980s about heaven. In the vision he saw amazing things, including seeing beautiful babies and children, which surprised him because he always thought of heaven as a place for adults.

[Quote] "The babies who were lost are being raised up strong and happy in heaven by the angels and they are waiting eagerly to meet their mothers in heaven one day."

Some children were unwanted babies who had been aborted and rescued by God. Some had been miscarried and were now in angelic care, looking forward to meeting their mothers. As she heard this, Ps Chris started to weep as she remembered her own miscarriage years ago... They had wanted to name the baby 'Jesse' if it's a boy, and 'Josie' if its a girl.

[Quote:] "As I wept quietly, I had a very clear vision. I saw a young man laughing and walking. He was tall, fine looking, with tousled fair hair".

She didn't know who he was, but the the Holy Spirit spoke in her heart, "It's Jesse".

[Quote:] "He is no longer a lost baby but a real living member of a family, found in heaven. . . . He has been raised and educated in the courts of heaven . . . tutored by angels, saints and, I am sure, has walked and talked with Jesus. Now that’s an education!"

[Quote:] "Nobody speaks of the tiny little souls lost, too small to hug and too small to say goodbye to. They are but a whisper on our breath."

[Quote:] "They cannot come to you, but you can go to them."

9th August

Feeling a bit better. Receiving thoughtful and loving gestures from all around. And I am so grateful for the food, flowers, phonecalls, text messages. It's a sweet feeling to be receiving all this care. I am already smiling and even laughing sincerely at jokes.

But a layer of sadness still lingers just below the surface, which I am not always prepared for when unexpectedly I see or think of something that makes me remember. I feel a lump in my throat. And it makes me wonder how long before the sweetness of the love and joy in life is able to wash away this lingering bitter taste. Like the bitter aftertaste of swallowing some awful medicine down the throat, even long after the drinking the sweet syrup.

(More on my journey on this here)