"I'm just going to miss him"

During our regular bedtime chat this week, Grace and I were talking about plans for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

Then seemingly out of nowhere my little girl suddenly burst out angrily... 

"Sometimes I think Nathan has more fun than me!" 

She started sobbing "When he's playing something fun, I feel sad when I can't join in!" 

I knew it was not true that Grace is excluded from playing with Nathan. My two kids love playing together all the time, and my little girl absolutely adores her big brother as much as he dotes on her. 

"Why do you say that? Did something happen today?" I prompted, trying to figure out where this was coming from. 

"Well... not today, but one time! Like playing Star Wars!"

"I thought you guys were playing Star Wars together yesterday? " I clarified. 

"Okay... maybe not Star Wars... but other times... Like when he's playing Lego..." 

"Can you tell me what happened?" 

"I can't remember now..." 

"Okay, maybe next time if it happens again, let me know and we can work it out together" 

"No.... it's not... I mean... he's always the one that comes up with the ideas and I will follow him... " 

There was definitely something going on here, but the conversation was going around in circles. It would be easy to simply jump in to correct her or lecture her on making wrongful accusations against her brother. But I did not want to dismiss her feelings. So instead of going into preacher-mode, I opted to listen some more... 

"How does that make you feel?" 

"Sometimes I feel left out if I can't join him..."

I begin to sense her opening up but I am careful not to jump ahead and assume what's really bothering her. 

"So, do you want me to help work things out between you guys, or do you just want me to listen and understand how you feel?" 

"I don't know! I just... I mean... Nathan comes up with the ideas on things to play and I follow his ideas... if he's not here, I don't know what to do or what to play..." 

"Hmmm... and Nathan is going to be away tomorrow for a play date with his friend?"

"Yeah... and I don't have any ideas on what to play by myself" (her sobbing grows louder). 

I think I'm beginning to understand what's really bothering Grace. 

"Are you going to miss Nathan tomorrow?" I asked tentatively. 

"Yes." (tears flowing down her cheeks) 

"Of course... 'cause you two play with each other every single day"

Grace nods. 

"I really love playing with him every day... and I like it when he calls me his little padawan" 

Everything clicked. I see now that Grace was acting out emotionally against Nathan not because she disliked him or was angry at him for something in particular. She was just overwhelmed with her sad feelings because she was going to miss her big brother so much. The whole scenario turned around from an 'Oh dear' situation into the sweetest 'Awwwww' moment. 

"Maybe you can tell Nathan how you feel?" I suggested. 

"Okay" 

Grace walks over to Nathan's room and knocks on his door. He calls out for her to come in and I hear her sobbing as she tells him "Nathan, I'm really going to miss you when you are away tomorrow". Nathan walks over to hug her. They hold each other silently for a couple of minutes. 

When Grace comes back, she is smiling slightly as she brushes the tears off her cheeks. 

"I know how much you will miss Nathan tomorrow, but you are welcome to join me and the daycare kids in our activities" 

"Okay... who's coming tomorrow?"

I listed down the names of the daycare children coming in tomorrow for care. 

"I can help K with her art and craft! And L really likes me and always likes to follow what I'm doing!" Grace says excitedly. 

"And we'll be making a pizza for lunch tomorrow" I added. 

"Yeah! I love pizza! Can we save some for Nathan?" 

"Of course!" 

The truth is, without going through the whole conversation, I already knew that Grace would be fine coming up with her own play ideas without Nathan. She is an equally independent, creative and resourceful kid, and contrary to what she says, Nathan is not the one always coming up with ideas. She has a very solid record on that score as well. And I already knew she would have a great time with all the activities I had planned for tomorrow. I could easily jump in to reassure her that she will be fine and list down all the fun things we can do. 

But like with most people who are feeling down, it's not simply about hearing a solution to the problem... It's about feeling heard and understood... Having feelings validated. After that, the next part will likely fall into place naturally, including being open to hearing solutions or even coming up with them ourselves. 

Closing photo of the sweetest big bro and lil' sis...