Farewell to another remnant of the baby chapter

Last week I bid a final farewell to this remaining remnant from the baby chapter.

This was only half of the remaining cloth nappies in my collection. The first half had already been sold off a couple of years back. These remaining ones were the top favourites which my sis-in-law initially wanted to try out. When it didn't work out my brother asked me if he should toss them out instead. Throw out my beautiful collection of rainbow-hued minks??? How dare he even suggest such a thing!!!

So this remaining stash finally found it's way back home via personal family courier services (i.e. overseas family visitors).

Nathan and Grace were of course curious about the colourful contents of the package holding the stash. They stroked and fingered the soft plush texture of the material and asked me what all the colourful things were.

"Nappies", I told them.

"Nappies???"

"Yes... cloth nappies."

"For babies???"

"Yes. You two actually. These are the nappies I used to put on you when you were babies."

"We wore that on our bums??? But why they are they so colourful and soft???  Why are they not plastic like the other babies ones???"

"Because these are reusable"

"Oh I know! So after using them, you wash them and use them again!"

"That's right"

"You must use a lot of water... babies use a lot of nappies!"

"Yes they do... but the extra bit of water needed is not so bad compared to the number of stinky nappies that get thrown out into the rubbish dump."

"That's true. So why are they out here, what are you going to do with them?"

"I'm putting them up for sale".

"Why???"

"Because you are not babies any more... no more nappies... it's time they went to a new home."

I knew once I posted up for sale on Facebook and Gumtree they would be snapped up fairly quickly. As I set them out in sunny spot to snap some photos, I paused to finger each piece... remembering exactly which insert went with which set, the various snap button combos I used to adjust to my babies' growing bums, and the favourite sets I used to pop into my nappy bag for outings.

I was so obsessed with them. I could tell you all about the different options... bamboo, hemp or microfibre inserts... daytime versus nighttime nappies... pockets and all-in-ones... I knew it all... and I just loved the subject passionately. The environmental benefits... and the tremendous cost savings as well... and how cool and pretty and too darn cute they looked on baby's lil' tooshie.

Even more so, I remembered the all consuming nature of that baby chapter.

I see it every morning in the eyes of the mothers of the new babies in my daycare as they dropped them off before work each day.

I hear it in the voices of the first time mums I meet when they come to visit to enquire about my family day care service.

I feel a twinge of it in the cries of a new child seeking comfort as they try to settle down to sleep at naptime in the middle of the day.

I remember it all.

Both the all consuming sweetness as well as the pain.

Oh sweet pain.

And I'm not even talking about the birth. That's just the easy part.

My dad remarked candidly, "It's so ironic that you're already taking care of all these kids who are not even yours, why not just add another baby of your own?" 

If only it were that easy.

Babies are more than the pregnancy and birthing and feeding and nappy changes. They are more than the consecutive night time wakings and sleep deprivation. They are just altogether all-consuming, life-altering little things that can suck the life completely out of you. Having baby is a totally immersive experience that pulls everything within you inside out. There's no dipping your toes halfway just to see how things go. For me it's either all or nothing. Heart, soul and body.

It's only for a couple of years, says my dad.

Ha! 

No.

Not because I don't like babies. I do. I absolutely worshiped my own two babies. Even now sometimes in the wee hours of the morning I look at the space on our bed between hubs and I, and I ache for the tiny little baby figure that used to lie there after a midnight feeding just looking up at me. Those times were too precious beyond words.

And the truth is, having a baby is not just about having a baby. It's the job of making a whole entire person and citizen of the world. Talk about life changing. 

Two babies have already changed me beyond recognition from the person I was eight years ago.

Perhaps I can change again. 

The fact is I will. It's inevitable. 

I'm already changing every day. Baby or not.

Who will I become tomorrow?